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May 01st 1984

Quick Movie Reviews XII

Added:April 16th 2008, 09:04:00
Series:[ Quick Movie Reviews ]
Rating:4.33/5 (Votes: 3)

Hello. Dragon here. THE DRAGON, of course. Despite being officially dead and on vacation, I was sent here by Muddasheep to do the Quick Movie Reviews. That lazy bum says he has other things to do. I hope "other things" involves "being beaten to death by panda bears". But, never mind that now. He actually had the nerve to throw this list at me with a bunch of movies and little notes next to them. Terrible handwriting, I tell you. I'll skip everything I can't read, this has already taken long enough anyway.

Oh and you're probably wondering how a tiny little midget like me is able to type, when I don't even have fingers. Well, first of all: DON'T EVER CALL ME A MIDGET. Second, I'll just say Ten-Teeth-Technique, that'll give you something to think about for the next few seconds. HA! YOU! THINKING! HAHA!

Anyway, let's get it over with.

Adaptation. Released in 2002. Charlie Kaufmann is trying to write a screenplay for the book "The Orchid Thief". There's a recommendation mark here, so I guess that means something. And, uh, it says here that I have to make the audience watch this movie. "Especially for writers." What the... there's a link to the movie on IMDB. HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE LINKS HERE? Moving on.

L.A. Confidential. WHAT?! 1997! That's like back in the day when the dinosaurs still ate each other. It says here, it's about three policemen investigating a shooting incident in their separate ways. Great actors, good story. Yaddayadda. Recommended for people who have too much time. Actually, that's not what the note says, but I can't read it anyway. Next.

Casanova... JAYSIS! Who watches these films? Apparently it was made in 2005. Some guy walks around town shagging every lady like a randy dog, until suddenly some woman denies him. He's like, what the fuck! There must be more in this world than sex! Hmm, what's it called? Love? GET OUTTA TOOOOWN!

The Maltese Falcon, 1941. Wow. This movie must've been made by aliens a long time before the dinosaurs were walking around here, I can't explain it otherwise. It says here that the story's about the private detective Sam Spade, trying to solve a murder and the mystery around a little falcon statuette. Again, great actors, thrilling story... Whatever.

Next we have a movie called Primer. Hit the world in 2005. Four people try to craft a device, accidentally shifting its functionality quite a bit. I've seen that one. It's pretty good, for a change. But who cares. Time's money.

The Matador. Also made in 2005. Pierce Brosnan plays a hitman on vacation who meets a businessman and uh... SNORE. The note reads... "Funny, at times." Damn, what a great review! Not.

Dragon Wars. DRAGON WARS?! WHAT?! I didn't know they made a Star Wars spoof with me in the lead role! Let's see what the note says. Hmm. Mhm. Uh-huh. I see. Apparently it's accidentally funny and has so many plot holes it competes against the ozone hole. But it has DRAGONS, I say. Not real dragons of course, they don't look like giant snakes or lizards or something like that. That's just hogwash. We all know what dragons look like.

Infamous. 2006. Based on true events. A writer trying to come up with a story, finding an article in the newspaper about a murder in a village, following the lead, staying at the village to research for his new book, getting involved with the killers. Here's a fat "RECOMMENDED". But ... it can't be better than Dragon Wars, can it? I mean, IT HAS NO DRAGONS!

The Fountain. HA! I bet it's just like the sadistic fountain. Let's look at the summary. Hm. Aha. WHAT THE HECK?! Can someone explain this to me? It's supposedly about a guy trying to cure his girlfriend's sickness. In three different time lines. Apparently, it's okay, because it says here I should recommend it. AAAH, HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS LIST!?

OSCARRRRRR, ahem, Oscar. Made sometime in the past. I mean, 1991. Sylvester Stallone plays Angelo "Snaps" Provolone, promising his father on the deathbed that he would lead an honest life, away from any criminal intentions. WHAT?! NO EXPLOSIONS?! What the hell made Stallone play in this movie?! Ah, I see. Apparently it's Stallone's best movie. Very funny, superb dialogs, blabla yaddayadda. ALRIGHT, I get it.

Bah. This list is freaking endless! Here comes The Godfather. Appeared in 1972. Story's about organized crime. The old Vito Corleone, the godfather, slowly giving his son control. Has been recommended. I guess.

Okay, I've had enough of this. Now I want my DVD player back.

Edited by muddasheep on April 16th 2008. Added image and text formatting, and removed some rather offending content.

April 17th 2008, 00:26:38
Hehe Feel the wrath of Sadistic Movie Reviews(TM)!!! lol... :) ;)

May 26th 2008, 10:29:28
I can only agree... XD... The Fountain and Dragon Wars were just one huge WTF??-moment :D

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