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The Outsider

Type:Diary entry
Added:March 20th 2009, 22:49:10
Rating:Not rated yet.

It's been a while since I've done one of these. For those not familiar with my more philosophical ramblings check out my other texts such as "Freedom" "Nostalgia" or "Waking up."

Word of warning: This is just my interpretation of things. It may make you depressed or influence you to read it. This is not the intention of the text, but please keep your own opinions about you.

It is also rather random and unorganised. Some parts may not even make sense.

I didn't know what I was doing then, and because of that I'm not sure what I'm doing now. Certainty is never known, for whence I became certain I immediately found myself lost. People are always changing, always evolving. What you know today could be different with the knowledge of tomorrow.

People live in cocoons, embryonic, isolated. Ignorant and apathetic, willingly detached from the world around them, for how else could they justify their existence but through denial? They are all ill, and the cure would destroy them. Knowledge would destroy them all. I know this to be true. Without trust, and without hope, humans are base and selfish. No human would give himself willingly to a cause unless he knew only what he wanted to know. The ultimate cost of a life is how much it takes to brainwash it. With one fell swoop the opportunist takes, and is forever hated for exploiting those who wished to be exploited. The intelligent lead, and they are taught that the value of a human life is simply a number on a database, a cell in a spreadsheet, a single character in a sentence, and after all this we are expected to love? To care? To show that we can overcome this? We used science to tell us how the world worked. We used engineering to change it to how we wanted it, and we are still expected to care about those who don't? Did they really expect it to work? Science is fundamental, and fundamentalism is dangerous, for the purest idea is tainted by human interpretation.

...and when they die we cry. We mourn the passing of one so great, one so significant to us, to our own minds. I don't doubt I will do this too when the time comes, and I can but hope someone will do the same for me, but for anyone else it's a name, a number, a cold, clinical statistic. Another dot in the never-ending ellipses of life. Even those we attach ourselves too willingly, through the screen or book, they are but distant falsities, a whiteboard which we attach meaning and emotion to, and wiped just as quickly. Should I feel guilty for believing this? Nay! Guilt is a biological imperative designed to quell the herd and discourage confrontation. We are above such emotions.

...Or perhaps below. Without friendship, without companionship we are designed to be meaningless. We are programmed to enjoy these things, and we are a slave to our enjoyable instincts in the same way we try to distance ourselves from our basest instincts... it is inevitable.

Instead we try to reason with our bodies, tell ourselves we have souls (and perhaps we do), and somehow imagining that having that special spark of life matters, not necessarily more than any other spark of life but just that it exists on some grand scale of purpose. Faith, belief, fear... Concepts that only those who are searching for something can imagine, or those who are willing to manipulate- But no... for regardless of the purpose of these thoughts, without them we are scared. Without them my words have no purpose beyond my own self-indulgence. Without the feeling somehow my opinion matters what's the point in having an opinion?

What if it doesn't?

Fire, earth, wind, ice. Elemental constants, that are constantly changing. Instability inherent in our world, built on rules which only now seem variable. Time travels in loops and bends, and light walks and runs between the planets. Space itself is twisted and morphed until squares are triangles and circles are points. We are destined to exist not by a divine force, but simply by the laws of probability. Mathematics proves we would always exist, in an infinite universe, in an infinite multi verse, in infinite dimensions, in concepts so powerful they would rip our minds apart if we began to understand them.

In all this randomness we find meaning? Anyone looking from the outside would cry out in surprise! Anyone looking objectively would see us as deluded, for how can you have meaning without solving the puzzle? And how can you solve the puzzle if it would ultimately destroy you? Are we destined to exist in a cycle of never-ending confusion, ignorance and apathy? Is our ability to rationalise this an evolutionary protective step, to protect us from our own curiosities? Is religion the result of evolutionary imperative?

I try to find a reality which makes sense to me, watching all the people around me exist happily with their level of understanding and belief. Eventually people just choose how open they want their eyes. Others let people tell them just how high the sky is, and how close they are to it. Perhaps it's best. If people have no value beyond a statistic on a spreadsheet, who am I to criticise those who would modify that sheet to their will in the name of progress? In the end we are all just a record in a database, a statistic on a spreadsheet, a grain of sand in the desert, a molecule of dust in the cosmos.


Religious people don't annoy me. Those who see beauty in random equations I admire. Those who can look upon the sky and not wonder why, I envy.

I realise now I don't hate.

... I don't know what I feel.

March 22nd 2009, 16:22:38
Is religion a result of evolution? I think it's highly likely. Religion must have been a huge evolutionary advantage, personally, socially, and also in the means of motivation and competition.
And since reality proofs religion wrong most steps of the way, I can say, that
there is no god.

You are trying to find a reality which makes sense to you? I was aswell, until I
started thinking about what the word "sense" really means.
The sense of a thing or process is always associated with a goal, with
achieving something from that very thing/process. With a person or mind
or will to benefit from it.
The sense of a key is to open a door for me. A key without a door would be
senseless. A key with a door next to it and nobody to use it would also
be senseless.
So what is the sense of the universe, the sense of the world?
Without a god with a meaning for it, the universe is inevitably senseless.
Since we evolved through pure chance and not by the means of an intelligent
creator with a reason for it, our life is also senseless in a religious way.
But, we are intelligent beings ourselves, so the sense of our lives does purely
originate from our free will. Without religion, we are free.
Not enslaved by the imaginary will of an artificial figure.

That's at least my opinion.

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