PHQ-Nickname:
TheNameless
Halfquake:
Doomsday Device Dealer
Level:
81
Total kills:
43,739,512
Birthday:
June 02nd 1988
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| Mood: | depressive |
| Type: | Story |
| Added: | June 01st 2010, 02:48:56 |
| Visits: | 1161 |
| Series: | [ The Unreal Empire ] |
| Rating: | 4.5/5 (Votes: 2) |
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 Why do I seem to be so sad?
Sometimes I just drift away in a state of concious delirium on the edge of crying.
I just sit there and listen to old music that I listened to a hundred times before.
I'm searching in it. I am searching for feelings I can no longer feel. Feelings I think I used
to have. Now they are somehow gone and I can't seem to bring them back... any of them.
They slowley decayed and disappeared over the years. Only the craving for a life worth living remained. A life without the absence of clarity. Because feelings give clarity. Even though people are confused when experiencing complex and mixed feelings, those feelings are the guides of your way in life.
I don't have guides anymore. I am standing alone in a vast forest of friends, traitors, enemies, self-important people, neutral ones and unchangable egoists and I can hardly tell them apart.
One who I thought was neutral just betrayed me and actively turned a friend of mine into an enemy. I now see that both acted on purely egoistic motivations... too late. The roles are interchangable. There are no clear borders where one role starts and the other one ends. I am confused.
I have no guides.
And because of that I don't recognise my real friends and I will lose them over time. Or maybe there
are no true friends.
Not long and I will be alone... completely alone.
I can't stand the loneliness anymore. There are plenty of people around me, yet I can't know whether they are friend or enemy. I am alone among them.
Since I lost my feelings, I can't seem to see any reason for life and I wonder all day what the reason might be for living on.
Even if there is no specific reason to live, that doesn't mean that I have to end life because there certainly is no real point in ending it. So I am stuck in this world without answers and with neither a way to proceed nor a reason to end it all.
No matter what I do, the result will always be the same.
When I found out that there can't be a greater meaning in the existance of us living beings, I began
losing all hope. I lost my joy. I gained despair and lost it again. I felt the anger burning my soul away,
and now everything flamable is completely gone. I have lost my guides.
I just want to cry but there are no tears coming from my apathetic eyes. I can't understand anymore why I need the relief through tears.
But some part of me can't exist without this relief. Unconciously the world of feelings vanished behind a thick wall of rational ignorance of thoughts. My mind was split into two, the other half beeing only a blurred dark shadow in my subconciousness.
Maybe it will break free again somewhere in the distant future. I am searching for my lost other self.
Even though it isn't rational, I want my feelings back.
Until then, I will blindly stumble through the absurd maze of life without hope and without a goal.
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