PHQ-Nickname:
acetken
Halfquake:
Tektonic
Level:
1
Total kills:
0
Birthday:
February 17th 1982
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| Mood: | aggressive |
| Type: | Article |
| Added: | July 25th 2003, 11:02:16 |
| Visits: | 1273 |
| Series: | [ Articles from my website ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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Alright folks, it's been a while, so let's see if I still got the touch. To start with, I'd just like to say that this article is inspired by Rosencrantz' article over at We Ain't Cool about his top 10 horror movies. Read his first, then come back and read mine. I'm going to count down my top ten most hated (Not just horror) movies that people seemed to love for some reason.
10. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - There is a reason this is so low on the list. The movies in this series aren't bad, it's just that every movie in it has nearly the same plot almost to the letter. The latest one (The Next Generation) is, in my opinion, the only one really worth watching. (And I recommend that you do) Once you've seen that one though, you've seen all of the series because there is no continuous plot line. They just seem to keep updating the one damn movie. Here, let me just save you the trouble of renting:
Leatherface kills random stupid teenagers with no background info on anyone. His family is fucked up. His brother/cousin (Depending on the movie) likes to mentally torture people and bring them home to see "grandpa." This is a corpse that isn't dead. Then every victim dies or one gets away. It never matters either way. Leatherface screams and spins in a circle with his chainsaw or is falsely killed. Credits roll.
Good Alternative: Not so much an alternative as a recommendation. Only watch the last one.
9. The Exorcist - (For fair warning, I haven't seen the re-release, just the original) I'm sure you've all heard of this and most likely seen it in one of it's forms. I know plenty of people who've claimed that this is the be-all-end-all of horror movies. I just don't see it. Maybe in the 60's this was scary, but in these days, filmmaking has advanced and all of us are jaded. Personally, it just doesn't strike me as an overly terrifying film in any way it was meant to. For the time it was crude and terrifying maybe, but so was Alice Cooper. The way the original version is, the pacing is very slow and gives us far too much useless/redundant information. We KNOW she's possessed, alright? We don't need about 12 lengthy dialogue scenes to tell us that. It's not building tension, it's just grating on the nerves.
Good Alternative: The Ring
8. Magnolia - A quick question. Do you go to the moves to see an interesting story, or to see random events in people's lives leading to a nonsensical conclusion that has nothing at all to do with the previously viewed three hours of film? If you answered the latter, then this is the movie for you. Completely random shit happening that throws the plot right out the window at the end. It doesn't matter what happens to the characters because IT RAINS FUCKING FROGS FOR NO REASON! You think I'm joking? Sadly, no. Smack dab in the middle of what you think is the ending to an engaging storyline... Bam. Frogs from heaven. Thousands. Huh?! Then it ends with no closure on anything. Then again, you do get to hear Tom Cruise say things like "Tame the cunt," so take the good with the bad.
Good Alternative: American Beauty
7. The Blair With Project - Another one I'm sure you've all seen. The hype surrounding this thing was monumental. Everyone was talking about it because all we heard was good things from critics. This movie is the sole reason I stopped listening to critics. The only way any sensible person could be scared by anything except the final scene is if they went into it not knowing it was all faked. Then, maybe. I saw this in the theatre and had to leave since it literally made me sick. All the camera jerking around forced me to vomit. Not a small feat seeing as I play video games all the damn time. As stupid as this is going to sound, the sequel was actually much better. A real mindfuck movie that you have to think about when it's all said and done. (Well, that or you can just accept what happened as truth despite all the clues)
Good Alternative: Donnie Darko - Check this website out, it's easily the best I've ever seen for a movie.
6. Rosemary's Baby - Read the back of the box to this one, there's no more to it than that. Within the first few minutes, you've established that the woman is having the son of the devil and that everyone else is a satan worshipper. The actors try to make it look like it's supposed to be some big mystery that they are, but any idiot can figure it out right away with no trouble. Then the director tried to play the "are they really devil worshipers?" card. He tries to trick you into thinking they're not, but he's not very goddamn subtle. If I whipped my dick out and drew a little moustache on it and told you it was my cousin Pedro, would you still think it was a dick? If yes, then you understand the movie. There are no scares, and no feeling of dread whatsoever.
Good Alternative: The Omen
5. Frailty - I have some very personal reasons for despising this movie. It was hailed as an amazing horror movie, and up until a point, I'd say it was a decent thriller. Basically, there's this father and two sons in the 70's who are leading a fairly normal life. That is, until the dad decides that an angel told him to kill demons. The oldest son thinks his Dad's all fucked up, but the youngest tries to be favored and goes along with his Dad. The father kills about 5 people, dragging them home while they scream and cry. He puts them alive in his shed all tied up and says with an axe in his hands "See how scared they are of me? Only a demon would be scared of the righteous." Then "sees" their sins by placing his hand on them and gasping. Then he hacks them up. The oldest boy thinks his father has completely gone religio-nuts and refuses to kill people. The father punishes him by locking him in a cellar with no food or water for two weeks. Cool enough, right? I felt that way for most of my life and I said so to Chelle. Fucked by every religious person because they always think they're more righteous than me. Back in the movie, all of a sudden we see that these people have done some bad things in their past and the the religious are right to take extreme action against the poor, stupid, deluded sinners.
No. Fuck that. Sorry. I hate christian propaganda with a passion.
Good Alternative: Dogma
4. Friday The 13th - One of the original teen slasher movies. I rented this in my attempt to go through all of the decent horror series. The premise is pretty basic. There's a secluded camp and a bunch of counselors. The all die but one. When they show who the killer is, it's someone who wasn't even in the movie before or even the famous Jason. It's his mother. She's killing badly-acted counselors because her son drowned in the lake. Then she dies. it would be much better if the whole movie wasn't dedicated to killing one teenager right after another with no story breaks. Number two is much better. Sadly, you should see number one in order to understand it.
Good Alternative: The Hellraiser series
3. Bring It On - Just plain bad. A plot that consists of "you stole our cheers!" says more than I ever could. I mean, really, who the hell gives a rats ass about cheerleaders bouncing up and down in little skirts... Wait... Nevermind...
Good Alternative: Real porn. It has a better plot and you actually get to see boobs.
2. Legally Blonde - I understand the need for a little stupid fun every now and then. You know, go to it, switch your brain off and be entertained by slapstick or actors playing dumbasses. This however is another story entirely. I have this theory, you see. Any movie where you can get the entire plot from the trailer is a bad idea. Also, any movie starring Reese Witherspoon is a bad idea. Combine the two and get this shitfest and a half.
Get this totally original plot. She's dumb and totally blonde, okay? So she totally goes to, like, college to be a... lawyer? Yeah. To prove to her fiancee that she's all smart and... she makes a good lawyer despite not having an IQ larger than, like, the alcohol content in a "near beer." (That's .5 for all you fans of the movie)
Good Alternative: Dude, Where's My Car?
1. XXX - The worst movie of all time bar none. There are many reasons for this. Here's some real dialogue from the film.
"Would you like some ice for your drink?"
"Maybe we could chip some off of your heart."
Ow. That hurt my brain. Effects were so bad that you could see the green screen effect on Vin Diesel in most of them. "Let's jump a 20 foot high fence off a 3 foot ramp on an underpowered motorbike! Yay!"
The effects were also so numerous, they forgot to leave time for a storyline. Not that it mattered, what was left has been cliched since the 60's. I have never found anyone I'd consider intelligent that liked this travesty. (Or that likes shitloads of rap for that matter) I don't care if you did shut your brain off, that's not enough. I did that and mine still ran screaming out of my head and buried itself in the fake butter at the snack bar.
Good Alternative: Tearing your eyes out with a salad fork. |
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