PHQ-Nickname:
acetken
Halfquake:
Tektonic
Level:
1
Total kills:
0
Birthday:
February 17th 1982
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| Mood: | sadistic |
| Type: | Article |
| Added: | July 25th 2003, 11:07:45 |
| Visits: | 1390 |
| Series: | [ Articles from my website ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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If I was fortunate enough to have the day of my dreams, it would go a little something like this.
10:30 AM - I wake up well rested and wide awake. Kiss my sleeping girlfriend beside me and hop into the shower where I do what most guys do. No, not piss in the shower, I meant jerk off. (Yes girls, we do it a lot) I get out and put on clothes that aren't ratched to shit. I look sexy. Seems that in my sleep I've lost 60 pounds. I gasp and check for my penis. It's still there. The weight must have come off my newly studly body instead!
11:00 AM - I make it out of the house just in time for the breakfast of champions. McDonalds. Somehow, the clerk puts an extra breakfast bagel in my bag. I enjoy. Then I go jerk off in the bathroom.
11:30 AM - As I'm driving off, I hear what sounds like a mosquito. I turn to notice a "pimped out" Honda Civic with a loud booming sub playing rap music. The buzzing is coming from the muffler that idiots seem to think are cool. You know, the really loud ones that serve no point? Anyway, I shift my super fast Dodge Colt (Fuck you, stop laughing) into gear and set it for ramming speed. The Civic doesn't know what hit it. There's neon GroundFX lights and pieces of plastic subwoofers everywhere. The little white homie driving is flying out of the seat of his car into a fat redneck with a mullet. Then they die. I escape unscathed and chuckle.
12:00 PM - I decide to go catch a matinee at the Ciniplex. As usual, nothing good is on until night time but I'm bored, so I take out a loan from the bank in order to get a ticket and a popcorn. They can only loan me $500 though. Fucking theater prices... So I sneak in. I realize too late that I've snuck into the latest Reese Witherspoon movie, "Putrid Shit With No Plot." There's no point ever to seeing one of these movies. Just watch the trailer for it since they give away the only good parts anyway, and the story barely changes from movie to movie. If you can't figure out the entire plot from the trailer, then you overestimate how much is actually in one of these movies. Or are really dumb... Either way...
12:05 PM - The sheer horror of what I'm sitting through finally clicks. The group of half-retarded girls in the front row fail to notice me sneaking up and sitting directly behind them. A-la Jim Carey in "The Mask," I pull out a bullhorn from nowhere and wait for a scene that's supposed to be funny. Taking special care to have the megaphone directly beside the ear of one of the girls, I laugh my ass off for 10 minutes non-stop.
12:15 PM - I have all of the dyed-blonde valley girl bitches screaming for mercy. I notice that their ears are bleeding due to my incessant over-emotions to the scenes. I tell them that I'll stop when they can say a sentence without the word "like" in it unless it's a simile. They can't. Just my luck, something sad happens on screen and I fake cry through the megaphone for all I'm worth.
12:30 PM - I leave the theatre rather pleased with myself. I jump in my car and for a record 2 kilometers I don't see a single thing that pisses me off. It's absolutely astonishing!
12:32 PM - Then on a street corner, I see an ad for a late church service. Just my luck. It's Southern Baptist too, my favorite! I charge inside the tent they have set up and rush the pastor at the front and snatch the mic away from his sweaty fucking hands.
12:33 PM - I challenge him to a debate and he (Attempting to save face) accepts. We set some ground rules. No metaphors, and no saying you're right because you say you are. It goes a little something like this.
Me - "Alright. God is everywhere, correct?"
Fuck - "Yesss-a. That is-a correct-a. The almighty lord-a is-a everywhere-a!"
Me - "Well then. Prove it. Hold his hand, caress him, cut his almighty fingernails. I don't care, just prove it."
Fuck - "I... Uhhh... It doesn't work like that. He's spiritually around us."
Me - "So you can't feel him or prove it in any way. How convenient. Okay then, how do you know he's there then?"
Fuck - "The bible says so-a!"
Me - "Nope. Can't use the bible in this argument. I clearly stated in the rules that you can't be right just because you say you are and that's all the bible has. You can't prove a damn thing in there other than it was based in realistic times, can you?"
Fuck - "Well, n.. no... Not really... But, I know I'm-a right! I can feeeeeeel the powah!"
Me - "Right, and so can other people from every other religion which proves that it's a human feeling and not a divinely inspired one."
Fuck - "But... I... Uhhh... YOU ARE THE DEVIL-A!"
12:55 PM - They chase me out of the tent, but too late. I have made a fool of them already. The four types of religious people all have different reactions. The stupid and/or stubborn completely dismiss me despite none of them having real points or any way to prove themselves (And all evidence pointing the other way). The intelligent but misled and /or tricked actually think about what they're doing and stop dead in their tracks. They go home and research stuff instead of blindly following it, and they come to the same conclusion that I did when I was younger. The next group, the wretched and/or desperate completely ignore me out of necessity or they'd go home and kill themselves because God is all they have. These are the truly weak and the most pathetic kind. The final group, the liars and deviants are just pretending to be religious for one of many reasons. The pastor was one of these. He was getting rich off the collection plate.
1:05 PM - I finish laughing at the pathetic display I'd seen and head home to pick up Chelle since she's probably just waking up.
1:20 PM - She's out of the shower and we're on our way to the pet store. I look around and notice a wiener dog which I quickly snatch up since he's free. I also play with some kittens which Chelle is not allergic to anymore. YAY KITTIES! (Ignore that last part)
1:25 PM - The dog is as yet unnamed until I walk outside and notice a perfect sized Superman cape and put it on the dog. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... SUPER STEVE THE WIENER DOG!
1:26 PM - Still reveling in Super Steve's Glory.
1:28 PM - He licks his crotch. I wish I could do the same to myself.
1:30 PM - I set him free to fight crime and injustice everywhere. He chases a cat. Dammit.
1:45 PM - We run home for some unknown reason. (MUAHAHAHA!!!) The second I walk into our room, I notice that my computer has become all pimped out and has transformed into my dream system. I collapse to my knees with tears of ecstasy streaming down my face. Since I have an unlimited transfer limit on my connection, I contact the boys from over at We Ain't Cool and let them know that I can now host them! I no longer feel like a tool for offering and then having to go back on my offer due to stupid shit that happened on our end.
2:00 PM - I check the site and find that our traffic is HUGE now. We're the most popular site on the 'net in our genre! Our forum has many members who continually go back and are not assholes who go once just to pester people, and for some reason TastyCorn has sent a few articles to me!
2:10 PM - I dance for no reason.
2:15 PM - Looking for some more entertainment, I head back to my car and accidentally flip on the radio. I quickly realize my mistake and scramble to switch it off before I am forced to slam my car into a building, but stop when I notice the song not sucking. Interested, I listen intently convinced that this must be some anomaly. Strangely no, somehow someone's taken over our ONE FUCKING FM STATION in Medicine Hat and turned it into something that's not for old people only! Much rejoicing is had.
2:20 PM - We decide to go to HMV in the mall so I can pick up a new CD, but the second we walk in the door, lights start flashing and sirens blare. Confused, we look around wondering what the hell's going on. A lady runs up to us and tells us that we are their one millionth customer and that we've won a 2 minute free for all in the store! Ready... Set...
2:22 PM - GO! I go ballistic heading to the DVD wall and grabbing everything I can, then running into the heavy section and snagging all there is. For good measure, I pop on over to the rap section and snatch a few ICP CDs then head to the finish. (All the way ripping shit off the shelves)
2:24 PM - Run's over and man do I have an assload of stuff! Looking through it will have to wait though since I'm tired. I am very fat after all. (Don't go by the pic in my bio. It lies.) Now I go sit on the plush leather couches in the middle of the shithole we call a mall and just relax.
2:27 PM - I notice a small group of little white homies walking, the leader of which is throwing gang signs around. Keep in mind that the only thing even close to a gang in Medicine Hat is maybe the Safeway worker's union. Anyway, he trips and falls on his pants straight through the Electronics Boutique window. Oh no! Seems his piercings are caught on one of the racks! The more he struggles to free himself, the more cut up he gets! I point and laugh while eating a bag of popcorn.
2:29 PM - He's still bleeding severely. The rest of the "posse" pulls up their pants and takes out their various piercings in fear. They then yank their leader out of the mess and take him to the hospital. I casually stroll into EB and notice a sign. "All blood splattered games are free!" I go nuts since I'm the first one back in there and get every one of 'em. Just my luck! They just put out all the new games today!
2:30-4:30 PM - This entire time is spent distributing games to my friends since I have octuples of nearly every one out. They all appreciate it.
4:35 PM - While I was driving, I was listening to my new CDs, and I'll be damned if not a single one sucked!
4:40 PM - I get home and check the mail. Turns out that Chelle and I have letters from every single person we know just for the hell of it! (Hey, I like getting mail) Also, every person that was a fuckstick to me in junior high is dead. Funny how that works. Sorting through the rest of the mail I notice that:
- I am named TIME Magazine's Sexiest Man Of The Year.
- Maxim Magazine realized their mistake about putting false names under my jokes in the April 2002 issue and has sent me the $600 they owe me.
- I've won several awards for best remixes. (Under my band name Atrophy) One is from MTV. I write back that they can go fuck themselves.
- Trent Reznor wants to do some music with me and thinks I'd be a great asset to Nine Inch Nails.
- I've won the publisher's clearinghouse sweepstakes. None of this "You May Be A Winner" shit. I fucking won and Ed McFuckingMahn is outside my door with my $10 million check.
5:00 PM - I turn on the TV and OH NO! There's been a horrible plane crash! It seems the flight carrying all the members of the BlowsFatDick Concert tour has crashed directly into the White House! The death toll is as follows:
- Brittney Spears & Christina Ag... Uhhh... That wannabe spanish bitch. Anyway, it's their fault the plane went down you see. They were getting doubleteamed by the guys in the cockpit so they weren't manning the controls. Whores.
- The All Women's Warbaling Voice Choir. Because I hate that damn sound with a passion that women make when they think they can sing. If you don't know what I mean, check out any song by a pop girl. "I love you b-oy-eee-oy-eoy-eeee-oooohhh-oy!" They must pay...
- Radiohead & Weezer. Yay! No more pretentious wannabe lounge-rock! If I wanted to hear this kind of shit, I'd poke a baby until he screamed.
- Destiny's Child. Beyonce Knowles was in the bathroom taking a shit when her section of the plane caught on fire and she burned slowly.
- Alicia Keys. I didn't hate her that much, so she can go quick.
- Steve Jobs. (President of Apple Computers) Errrr... Apple was sponsoring the event? Yeah, that's it. Ah hell, I just hate iMac's.
- George W. Bush. Well, they DID crash into the white house. He was in full bondage gear being assraped by his Pa' at the time.
- Hillary Clinton. She was visiting Bush. I think she's the devil. Look at her! SHE HAS HORNS! (So not drawn by me...)
- Limp Bizkit. Excluding ex-guitarist Wes Borland the only cool band member ever.
- Saddam Hussein. What was he doing there you may ask? Brittney and Christina. 'Nuff said.
5:30 PM - I finish laughing.
5:35 PM - It's game time until I hit the sack. Since my old computer is set up as well, Chelle's been playing against me and she's pretty damn good! This is interrupted frequently for bouts of frantic monkey love.
2:00 AM - Bed. I curl up with Chelle and my new cat, Bastard. She purrs. (The cat, not Chelle) I sleep well for the first time in years. |
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