PHQ-Nickname:
Legion
Halfquake:
The Asylum
Level:
10
Total kills:
60,346
Birthday:
June 22nd 1984
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| Missing her but I feel like I deserve to die |
| Mood: | GNJIAHAHAHAHI |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | January 14th 2004, 09:52:09 |
| Visits: | 1256 |
| Series: | [ A love life now lost ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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There are somethings you can do about the world today and there are somethings you cannot do.
I am not used to being helpless but today I felt it.
I almost was in this accident...and I had no control for a second.
This accident would of cost me my life if it wasn't for the fact I was lucky enough to swerve at the appropriate time...amazingly I swerved for one reason and one reason only...I was in sort of this trance-like state...so you can imagine I was probably swerving towards the trance's origin.
My love, my darling dear...I feel as if I keep pissing her off and proving her friend ,Jess, right. I tried asking her nicely about something recently...and I guess I came off as ordering her around...again...so I made a decision and I decided I'll never ask her for another thing, ever. I want to be with her for as long as possible so I will do whatever I can to avoid any possibilities of me screwing up this relationship any further.
Although it seems all of my darling dear's friends seem so adamant on saying I am truly the best thing in her life...and one of her ex-bf's said, "You give her the world. And for that your the best thing for her." Which I found very complimenting...some people who told me they were against me at first...saw how happy I was making her...and gave up on their facade and started to cheer me on, especially in the face of major problems...
*sigh*...I've dedicated my life to that girl...and then some...I'm proud of it because I always felt she was worth the time...it was my choice...and I felt I made the right choice...when I should of been on the phone talking to CCRI, I was counseling her and telling her how much I loved her. When I should of been out looking for jobs, I was trying to make the best and romantic times with her and I feel blessed for the opportunities to be with her and when I speak with her, yes..blessed. (Ironically enough, I now might have a job and am re-registered, so it worked out quite nicely)
Although, I haven't been as great as I'd like...I decided to try not so hard to show her more affection and be there for her...but...sometimes I cannot be there in person...and sometimes I guess...I've become more demanding...and its hurt her...
For that I feel that I deserve nothing but death. To see her upset, to hear her in peril...and it is my fault...makes me feel that I deserve 1000 lashings and to be left out in the middle of nowhere. Whenever I upset her I feel like I want to die because I do not mean to do it. Some nights, I find myself just asking for forgiveness and hope that maybe everything will work out because I care for her so much...
*sigh*...She is so wonderful, so intelligent, so beautiful, so talented...I'm lucky to have her. I truly am. I don't know how I was able to be this lucky. And because I do love her...and from what I know she loves me, I know that life is worth living for and is as beautiful as it seems. |
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