PHQ-Nickname:
LordAsriel
Halfquake:
Garbage Fort
Level:
17
Total kills:
378,946
Birthday:
May 20th 1991
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| Mood: | alive |
| Type: | Story |
| Added: | May 28th 2007, 21:56:56 |
| Visits: | 2312 |
| Rating: | 4.8/5 (Votes: 5) |
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Description:
Something I started writing on one of my literature lessons. |
 In the middle of this vast nothingness there lay a pile of white ruins, of white rubbles. It hadn't been still for too long a time, though, as it was surrounded by a cloud of thick dust. Besides having been quite a large structure, no other object was to be seen around, only emptiness, and the air itself had an eerie feeling, as if heavier, drier; perhaps the very same thing that made it possible to distinguish figures clearly with seemingly no light source at all.
And still beyond any appearance it wasn't a desert scene. There was indeed someone under the pile, for a white brick was moved over, letting a new wave of dust break free. Then a fast breathing could be heard and a big, heavy shadow crept out from the rubbles. He raised, for he was human of body, yet no one could have answered for his soul.
As he stood up he removed the dust from his bare chest, passing saliva there where the blood came out. He looked around and then shook his dirty hair with his huge hand. He wore big boots and some sort of pants, all made of the leather from some unspeakable creature, of a murky shade of grey. On his shoulders, a black mantle covered all his back almost reaching the floor. Only noticeable from short distance were bright green initials on the mantle.
Just then with a flash of green light a weird creature appeared in front of him. Not a second had past before he had a big piece of wall in his hand ready to smash the creature's head, but he restrained himself. The creature was like a human hunchback, with slightly more than two eyes, sharp teeth and claws, and a rather dark grey skin. The human left the stone on the floor and grinned at the creature, which in response shot a ray of green energy towards him. He laughed while being zapped. A deep laugh at that, though no eco was to be found. Then he just kicked the creature away. A creature that didn't reach his waist; a creature that was as thick as one of his legs; a creature that flew well over fifty meters before hitting the floor.
He bent over the ruddles and removed a few of them before he found his sword. He swung it a few times at the air to somewhat clean it and then started walking away from the ruins. The initials on his mantle were SV, and he was the super victim. |
Syndel
May 28th 2007, 22:44:19
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Nice story - could use a slight bit of editting to fix some minor spelling mistakes and certain phrases e.g. "Only noticeable from short distance were these bright green initials on the mantle."
the word "these" here is unnessicary as the sentence reads just as well as: Only noticeable from a short distance were bright green initials on the mantle.
5/5 Description.
4.5/5 Detail.
5/5 Style.
4.5/5 Spelling & punctuation.
5/5 Atmosphere.
Overall: 5/5
My only suggestion would be to redraft it or read it through to make abnormal phrases obvious.
Other than that - enjoyable read. |
LordAsriel
May 28th 2007, 22:53:11
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Thank you very much, sir, for the time employed in reading and reviewing!
I'll follow your advise now, there are indeed a few mistakes all over. I like to think they wouldn't have taken place if I had read the text a few times before posting it, which I should have done and didn't do. 
Thanks again! |
flo
May 29th 2007, 11:03:56
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| An excellent read, mister Asriel. Very enjoyable. |
Funnycreature
May 29th 2007, 20:05:05
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Good picture
About the text: sorry, but I can't translate such a big text... |
LordAsriel
May 30th 2007, 20:24:43
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Thank you, mister flo, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
And, Funnycreature, I'm sorry I'm not proficient in Russian, else I could try to translate it. I could do it in Spanish and perhaps French, but the effect just wouldn't be the same anyway.
Also, glad you liked the pic |
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Syndel
flo
Funnycreature
