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One unfinished poem

Added:July 20th 2009, 01:07:17
Rating:4.5/5 (Votes: 2)

The poem was written by me about year ago and I left it unfinished. Since originally it wasn't in english, i had to translate and transform it into readable, still poetic form. I'm afraid that sense or mood could be completely lost, but anyway, here it is.
And if there are any mistakes in my english (and i'm sure they do exist), please point me at them.

After night of grace they met the dawn,
melting stained knives that they've drawn.
Burning hearts shut up as they look at sky,
burning wings give up after one last try.
And it tells them not to be afraid,
for their burns will all be healed and paid,
and instills some thoughts of a pleasant peace,
brings all hearts in cold with a gentle breeze.

After third life spin, in the deepest cave,
once neglected role of whore and slave,
risen from the stones, from the ash of night,
he asks one who has and holds the might.

Tell me what you are as i fall to sky,
carved in last day into every eye.
Why you raise what never should appear
on the bones of those who you once kept near?

As some dead leaves passed by, fell and stayed,
as still someone rose both hands and prayed,
he looked at his former kins,
didn't ever know of good or sins.

Tell me how it feels to fly,
when your dreams and thoughts are passing by?
When it tells you what you have to be,
one by one they all retreat and flee.

July 20th 2009, 01:32:02
Nice poem, hard to understand but interesting imagery and rhyme. The only mistakes I saw were a few grammatical, for example I, as in "I fall to the sky" should be capitalised and traditional poetic format capitalises the first letter of each line.

July 20th 2009, 14:49:42
Kins, if I have understood correctly, shuld be "kinsmen" even if it refers to both men and women. Or you could write just "kin" because it is one of the words in English that is never pluralized with the s. Like sheep. I think it was excellent, I am always impressed when people write poetry or lyrics in another language. You have done it so well that without the apology that came before one would never know it was a translation. 5*

July 20th 2009, 14:50:31
*should :/

July 20th 2009, 23:00:50
Thanks for attention and corrections. I think i could replace 'kins' rhyme with kin/sin to keep it in tact.
With this one, the worst part for me was to keep both sense and rhymes like it should be in every poem.
Also, I've several other short stories and poems which i'd like to translate now.

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