PHQ-Nickname:
Wolfsbane
Halfquake:
The Chamber
Level:
1
Total kills:
64
Birthday:
00th 0000
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| 10-17-03 The Time Grows Near |
| Mood: | silent |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | October 17th 2003, 21:50:59 |
| Visits: | 1381 |
| Series: | [ Amy's Journals... ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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The time is almost here again. The time I fear, this time I dread. That takes away all my happiness and glee. Just to remember, what happened that night. The phone call for my father and everyone just so happy. It all ended a minute later with my mother coming down the stairs.
"He's dead," she cried "Billy's dead, your Uncle Billy's dead. God damn it Billy. Why? Why?"
All of this she said through the tears and sobs. I watched her body shake as she fell on the stairs. Lenore and Nicole cried immediately. Not I, I just stood there, to the right of the stair way.
"What?" I asked dumbfounded. I was completely stupified.
"Your Uncle Bill, he's dead." Thats the only thing I heard from her mouth. The next thing she had said was cold and spiteful, and directed towards me.
I just ran up the stairs, right past her, and into my room. I just sat there for a minute wondering. And then it all hit me. The weird feeling in my stomach earlier in the day. Yes, he was dead, gone forever, never to return, never to smile again. Never would I see his smile to make the day better when stuck with the rest of the family at Christmas time. That was it, the end of his life. And that started it all. That started the years of wishing for death and the years of inner turmoil which awakened such evil beasts in my mind. It all started that night. October 23, 1998 at about 8:05. That was it.
The night was horrible. I tried to make everyone else feel better, but I felt like shit. I could hardly do a thing. I just sat there, astonished. But if someone else was crying, I just tried to make them happy. A hug here or there, a joke, some random and stupid saying. I tried to make them all feel better. They just cried and cried. I wasn't dealing with it. I still haven't. Its been almost 5 years, and I still refuse to deal with it. My mom will mock my pain, and she'll never understand. But the very thought is bringing tears to my eyes.
Well, that was when all started to go wrong. Now I had seen death before, and I had known heart ache. I knew more heart ache than any of my friends and most of the adults I knew. I still know more than most of them. Well, lets just say I lost it that night. I lost it all. I wanted to help, but I couldn't. I kept trying though, I never stopped.
I just made sure everyone was ok. I made them whatever they wanted. I was just trying everything in my power. And thats when I found out.
"They said," my mom was talking again, "that he had a needle in his arm. They thought he killed himself. But they found out later it was just insulin. You know he was diabetic. He wrote a note to your Auntie Pat and Billy and Ryan saying he loved them." More crying. "But he tried to call his doctor. The doctor wasn't there. He knew he was dying. He just knew. I know it must have been so painful for him. His writing didn't really look like his writing. He must have been shaking. He just couldn't get the insulin in fast enough."
In the back of my mind, I knew he got the insulin in, it was just that it wasn't doing anything for him. I found out a few years later that he had tried to kill himself too. He slit his wrists, but that didn't work. He just slipped into a diabetic coma and died.
Now when I start thinking, I realise, he died alone. I never want to die alone. Well, if it came to it, I would rather make sure no one else died alone and I would die alone, just to know that no one else would have to die alone. No, I'm not trying to sound noble, its just how I feel.
That was a horrible night. It took so long for me to get to sleep. It was crazy. All of my dad's family calling all night. I didn't go to sleep until around 2 that morning. Yeah it was a long night. Then, at 5 in the morning, my mother woke me up to bitch at me and tell me I had to go out that day and that I had to go to a lighthouse. Fuckin bitch. I was VERY pissed that day.
I had to spend the day in Jamestown, which I didn't want to do. The only thing I could think of was jumping into the cold water and freezing to death. That was all I wanted to do. Nothing mattered, so I didn't care. That was a Saturday. I spent the day with three people I hated the most...Dan, Matt, and Liz. Fuck I hate them.
Of course, the kid Matt was saying all this shit about how my uncle deserved to die. He's always been like that. But when his uncle died of AIDS two years later, I never said a thing about it to him. But thats just how the world is.
The wake was no better. I couldn't help but laugh. I was just so nervous and so sad that I laughed. Yeah, I know, not the best time to laugh. Well, I couldn't help it. I got a lot of funny looks too. If you could have only known the weird feeling in that funeral home. I hate funeral homes. Yeah, it sucked.
I missed two days in school, for the wake and the funeral. It sucked. I watched my cousin cry. I've never seen him cry before or after that. I had always thought of him as a brother. I used to be so close to him. But, we got even closer after all of that. He will never know that I saw him cry, I won't tell him. |
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