PHQ-Nickname:
acetken
Halfquake:
Tektonic
Level:
1
Total kills:
0
Birthday:
February 17th 1982
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| Mood: | mmmmh... doughnuts |
| Type: | Article |
| Added: | July 25th 2003, 11:05:24 |
| Visits: | 1364 |
| Series: | [ Articles from my website ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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Ah, the internet is truly an amazing tool of modern man. You can find everything from the definition of "smegma" all the way to DVD rips of porn movies. I heard there's even some stuff on here not dealing with bodily functions! Yes, I loved the internet. Sadly, some stupid people found out about it and told their equally stupid friends. That was many years ago though. Today the internet is mostly just a bunch of 10 year old Tupac fans who couldn't spell the words "you are" to save their pathetic fucking lives.
My friends, I have been charged with a mission by a power greater than you or I. Wayne Newton. That's right, the king of Vegas came to me in a dream last night and told me to "cleanse the world of the unclean." I took this to mean one of three things.
1. Kill a bunch of people in a holy war of epic proportions.
2. Scrub the toilet because I think something's growing in there...
3. Go write an article to urge all of the cockmongers on the internet to kill themselves.
Sadly, after I finished cleaning the toilet I really wasn't satisfied. My mission was unfulfilled! I quickly rushed into Alex's room and told him that Wayne Newton told me to kill, so I must gather an army to smite the wicked. He told me that I'd have to leave the house to do that.
So here I am typing away at buttfuck o'clock in the morning fulfilling my duty to the almighty Wayne Newton when I could be sleeping. Bastard.
Anyone who's used the internet can tell you, there's some major problems with it. Know what? I know how to fix them all.
1. It's Slow! - Yeah, it can be. Know why? There's too many people downloading porn at once. Yeah, that's right, porn's slowing down the 'net. Did you know that 86%* of the people on the internet are downloading/viewing porn, playing Counter-Strike, or BOTH! It's a fact!* I propose that we make a different internet, the Pr0nternet, just for the purpose of getting smut. The other 2 people in the world who aren't looking up naked people can now access their Ebay accounts to see if their rare bibles sold. We, the porning public can also access our various fetishes 14%* faster! Counter-Strike however should just be eliminated. It's unholy.
We can also speed up the internet by getting rid of stupid people! How much less stuff would need to be stored if we didn't need help files? Lots! We could also do away with warnings, copyright notices, NASCAR sites, hate sites, and Mac users! It'd be SO much better! (I'm just joking about killing the Mac users. They should have their own internet called "12 People On A Network.")
* Facts are made up completely.
2. It's Unintelligible! - Yeah, I know. I've also got your answer. Spell checkers on EVERYTHING. No more will you get instant messages that say "ru commng too mi howse", nope. That will be automatically turned into (According to Microsoft Word XP) "Run coming too mi hawse." Hmmm. Allright, it needs a little work. It was supposed to be "Are you coming to my house?" Maybe spell checkers aren't the answer.
3. You Didn't Address My Problem! - I know, shut up. I'm thinking... I've got it! We should impliment manditory IQ testing before being handed a keyboard. If you fail, they give you a cardboard box and tell you it's a computer. They'll also give you a pen and tell you that it's replaced the keyboard.
As an extra special bonus, we'll give them a revolver with one bullet and tell them that it's the off switch, but they have to aim at their heads. We can also distribute that last one with AOL discs and hope for the best.
We could also help legibility by banning people under age 16 from accessing the internet! That way we could do away with all of the warning pages on there as well! Why 16 I hear you ask? Because I believe that a person that old should be granted permissions of adulthood. Look at/pose for porn, drink, smoke, vote, get into R-rated movies, and all of it. It'd be just like Holland, and that's a good thing. They also would have to pass the IQ test first though.
4. I Hate Hackers! - Oh, you poor, deluded fool. This is NOT a good reason. Why the hell would a real hacker want to get into your computer? To steal your Minesweeper highscore file? Copy an essay from your grade 10 daughter on Hamlet? Seriously. The ONLY reason any hacker would want to get into your computer would be to steal credit card numbers, but anyone dumb enough to leave that on their comp deserves to be hacked.
There is another kind of hacker-ish danger on the 'net that hits shit hard even though they couldn't hack their way out of a MS-DOS shell. Script kiddies. These are just another example of why we should ban under-16 year olds from the 'net. They download programs and run them to (Sometimes) do devastating things to people. Most of the time, they'll just log you off ICQ or something though.
REAL hackers can't be kept out of a system by damn near anything. Luckily, 1 in 1000 people that claim to be hackers really are. If we got rid of all the fakes, we'd stop a whole bunch of attacks on servers, virus spreaders, and general shitheads, thus freeing up more bandwidth and making it safer for other users.
This comes to the end of my reasons why it's be great if we could get stupid people off the 'net. I just know that you'll agree with me! If not, go down to your local gun store and pick yourself up a Smith & Wesson "Off Switch" and go to bed. |
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