PHQ-Nickname:
Wolfsbane
Halfquake:
The Chamber
Level:
1
Total kills:
64
Birthday:
00th 0000
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| Mood: | depressive |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | March 03rd 2004, 00:32:59 |
| Visits: | 1187 |
| Series: | [ Amy's Journals... ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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Today in school, I said some things I shouldn't have. Things that effected me more than anyone else. Those things hurt me. Some kids gave me some REALLY weird looks, and one friend went to comfort me and I threw a fit on her and screamed not to touch me. I hate being touched. I hate it more than anything else I know.
I just want to be left alone. But no one will leave me alone. Not a damned soul. All I want is to be left alone. Left to myself. I like the Forums and how it's just not personal stuff really except the few things one might chose to make personal. But my friends, they want to know all of the reasons I'm down. But I only trust one girl named Shiro. I have so much trust in her. She's really the only person I trust anymore. Her and one other person I have a lot of trust in. They are the only people I have trust in. My old friends are too...not understanding...or they don't know what it's like to hae this shit happen to them. Then they try to comfort me, and I throw a fit, because my emotions are all in a huge pit of doom. The people I used to trust with my life I don't even talk to anymore.
Not much makes sense right now. My thoughts are so scattered. My life is no better. I'm tired and can't sleep. I'm tired of living. I don't want to be here anymore. I really don't. And every e-mail I read, every person I talk to, every memory...everything makes me want to just end it all just a bit more.
I had one thing I was trying, but the person I thought would care the most just doesn't give a shit about it. It seemed more that he was mocking it in a way. But this means a lot to me. It took a lot for me to even get to the place I am, the organization I've joined. I am not like this, but I realize I need help with this, I know I can't deal with this on my own. But no one cares that I'm trying. I'm not the kind of person that just jumps up and goes straight to end the problem at the root. I first do things to help myself. Which is what I'm trying now. I start small. But no one cares to think of that. People only want the final solution to come and bite them in the ass.
I'm sick of it all. I really am. I'm done with the shit this world has to offer me. I just want out. That's all I want. Is to die...right now. I just want this shit to end. I want it all done with forever. I'm so sick of all the shit people are putting me through...guilt trips, trying to live my life, messing with my head, drinking, drugs, and just the way everyone is. There are only a very small amount of people I can stand.
There's this dark thing that follows me around everywhere. And I'm not complaining. This thing seems to be the only sanity left in my life. I really don't seem to have any left. This thing keeps me on my feet, keeps me from falling off the edge.
No one understands that I'm not as strong as they think. I can't take any more abuse right now. Cuz I've officially lost it. I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I just want to die. No one notices, and if they do, they really just don't care. Well I don't care either then. But I've been crying for help. The only person that really wants to help me thinks it's all my parents...but it's not. And Lucius tried explaining this to his other personality Rikki, but she didn't seem to get it.
I'm through. I'm done. I don't even know if I'll stay on PHQ much longer. I really can't stand anything anymore. I'm sick of pretending to be happy in school just cuz no one wants to see me lookin sad. When I look the way I feel, they try to give me hugs to make me happy. I don't want to be touched. I want to be left alone.
I want everyone to just let me do my damned thing. And if my thing is to be sad, then let me be sad. If I want to cut open my arms or wrists, then let me do that too. If I want to go overdose, then let me do that. Just leave me alone. That's all I want, is to be left alone. And I know that leaving me alone is bad. But I hate how everyone is so damned in my face about MY life. It's MY DAMNED LIFE...NO ONE ELSE'S! But everyone wants to live my life for me and do this differently or do that differently. I'm just...SICK OF IT ALL. This isn't anger either. Just emphasizing my point. |
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