PHQ-Nickname:
Wolfsbane
Halfquake:
The Chamber
Level:
1
Total kills:
64
Birthday:
00th 0000
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| Mood: | depressive |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | March 16th 2004, 21:29:42 |
| Visits: | 1255 |
| Series: | [ Amy's Journals... ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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Well. I lost it in school today. I just...lost it. I don't know why but I did. I started to cry, only started to. This was in school too. BUT...I controlled myself. I just found out that I could go to my friend's graveside memorial. BUT...then I found out that I can't go anymore becuase someone else will be going, unless I can get someone else to give me a ride, but that won't happen. If I did go, my parents would bring me. Oh well I guess. Everytime I'm alone I cry. And I'm alone now. I'm always alone. But I meant physically alone. I can't stop crying. I just miss him so much and I don't want to believe he's gone. But the article in the paper and the obituary DEFINATELY threw me into the reality that he really is dead now. I just...I don't want him to be gone. And he's gone now. No words can comfort me right now.
I'm feeling not only really sad, but I'm upset. I feel overly betrayed. Somehow people I know are finding things out that they don't know. And I know who is behind this all. I'm not mentioning any names, but if this bullshit is kept up, I will seriously kill the person behind all this. I stay closed off for a reason. I only write what I truly feel in here, but I never write all of it. I always have so much of it still in my head. I can't even trust what I consider a journal thing, because ALL of my old friends will get what I've written. It doesn't bother me that they could find it on their own, but then someone comes in and starts sending what I write to them. I'm frustrated about that. Nothing I say or do in secret is EVER sacred. I'm starting to doubt myself a lot, and I'm doubting others as well. People won't just leave me alone for 5 god damned minutes.
All I want to do right now, is realize that Ben's gone, isn't coming back, and the most, I want to say goodbye to him. BUT...I can't now. I can't even say goodbye to my god damn friend. I can't just have a moment to know he's gone and to finally acknowledge it. I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE EVERYONE! I HATE MY "FRIENDS"! I HATE MY FAMLIY! I HATE EVERY PERSON THAT I KNOW! I just want to say goodbye to Ben...that's it. But...I can't even do that now. JUST GO AWAY...EVERYONE...JUST GO AWAY...NEVER LOOK BACK...LEAVE ME BE...JUST GO AWAY...EVERYONE I KNOW IS RUINING MY GOD DAMNED LIFE...EVERYONE! I can't even do what I want anymore, I seriously can't. I just want to say goodbye. It's the one thing I hate doing more than anything, but if I don't do it tomorrow, I never will.
I hate everyone. Why can't people just leave me alone for a change. What is it that no one will back off for a few minutes. I ask people to leave me alone, and they come back within no time at all. Why do people have to interfere with my life. Why do they have to get in my god damned business. I don't tell ANYONE what's going through my head anymore, no matter how much they ask. Someone will ask if I'm ok and I tell them only yes or no. They will get no more than that. I just...CAN'T stand when people are in my life like this. Telling me what I have to do and just interefering in EVERY aspect. I'm way too damn frustrated. I'm mostly pissed about how I can't even say goodbye to Benji anymore. It's what I want to do, just say goodbye. But now I can't. And if my parents do this thing where they make me go, the reason I can't go will most likely have an interfereance with them, thus making my life MORE of a hell.
I seriously want to hurt someone right now to no end. I just want to stick a knife in someone's leg and punch there face until it fucking pusses. Then I want to just beat the shit out of them, cut them up, and leave them there. That's what I want to do. Just hurt someone to the extreme. Make them feel physically how I feel mentally. But in my head it feels so much worse. BURNS CUTS BRUISES...that wouldn't even compare to how I feel in my head. I'm hurting non stop. Even my physical body hurts now. | |
