PHQ-Nickname:
Legion
Halfquake:
The Asylum
Level:
10
Total kills:
60,346
Birthday:
June 22nd 1984
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| The Death Of An Old Nemesis and A Friend |
Description:
I did something for myself and I did something for someone. Now they are both gone and I am once again left alone unaware of what has transpired in the last month or so. |
I woke up yesterday in this state where I thought I was still dreaming, but I was not. If anything I had woken up to my worst nightmare. Immediately I did the only thing on my mind, which was call my old psychologist back at the asylum. I told him about Rikki, Damien, etc...he automatically asked if I wanted to come back but said if I am going to even think about it I had to be tested immediately. I told him I had no money or health insurance so I couldn't do it but, he said it wouldn't be a problem since it would be paid for by the state...or something like that...so I took 2 buses up to my old haunt and from there did some standard testing. The one that was most important was one that you can read certain brainwaves and patterns. I cannot remember what its called...a friend of mine, Brian reminded me of the name yesterday...but now its left my tongue...and if you have more than one line...then you are positive...I had 2 lines back then and two lines when I left...but I got my results back relatively fast...upon finding out that I was negative...a sudden bit of joy came over me to find out that I had successfully done what I had not done in over two years...but...an overwhelming sense of grief and anger came over me....
Memories flashed before my eyes...
The first time she ever came out...about two days after Shirley had devastated my life...it was like having someone tap you on the shoulder...then turning around and finding no one there but feeling as if someone had been there all along. She called herself Damien and was the first of a long history.
For the first 4 months it was me waltzing through my school and her being in complete control...then I met someone who struck down all of my defenses...I had no need for Rikki...so she thought since her work was done she might take a nap which we both thought would be indefinate. I was wrong.
Then someone that I met later on that we all know and love, Amy had inadvertantly woken up Rikki. Her views, anger, and power were equal in many ways and they both knew things about each other that if it wasn't for Rikki, would of otherwise stay secret...in some ways...I wish some of those things did. Her need to interview, investigate and paranoid ways were the result of an insitutionalization gone haywire. All the sudden she wanted to see the world more and then she wanted to sleep, she kept changing what she wanted...never ceasing to think of the consequences of the fact I had family, friends, and people who cared for me that would witness and endure this. Then she went a little too far. Inspired by a recent viewing of Fight Club (at the time) she became external. Touchable, viewable, and very realisitic...only to me...she'd pop up at the most inopportune times to either comment on what I was doing...no matter how explicit or how emotional it was...I went along with it because she was my friend and I would never say no to her.
I could honestly write three more pages on the time we spent together, the things we did...the people she scared, the ideas she gave me (which was to wear a straight jacket with Amy while prancing around in a mall scaring all the parents)...or lastly arguments we had which ended up her head being on the ground for a moment. Don't ask.
But, the matter of the fact is, she's gone now and I had to get rid of her for a lot of reasons. I've woken up to find my mother wishes to throw me out, my sister has become my worst enemy when I thought we were working things out, and lastly someone I cared about more than anything seems to want nothing to do with me because of my instability and whatnot...not to mention that most of my friends are pissed at me because I've been more agressive than usual (except for my friend Dave...I could never be mean to him...I could try but...it wouldn't work)....
I've woken up to my own personal hell and I cannot escape it. Ever. A friend of mine from out of state says he's come up with an amazing idea to settle all of my problems, money, car, family, girl, etc...one simple solution. And I'll never have to worry about Rikki or anything ever again. Since I really have not much of anything going for me I might as well check it out. Couldn't hurt I say...*sigh*...Wish I had Rikki's sense of psychic-ness...I'm left with just images...thoughts...nothing sequential...*sigh*...
This world is not meant for me. But I'm stuck in it...lonely and fading. Heart broke and waiting...for you to come.
Well, I have to make a few phone calls, do some much needed stress relief...probably alot of video games and going out in the backyard and beating the living hell out of the punching bag. Then...online testing and I get to wait to have my family come back and tell me what a miserable failure I am...*sigh*...I have enough people telling me that.
I leave off on the saddest fact of all.
All Rikki ever wanted was someone to hold and love her for eternity because she was afraid to live forever and live it all by herself. It became her obsession and downfall. I thank her for the time I had with her...no matter what she was.
Legion |
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