PHQ-Nickname:
Legion
Halfquake:
The Asylum
Level:
10
Total kills:
60,346
Birthday:
June 22nd 1984
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Description:
I am still in disbelief. |
I finally took the time to read a few other personal pages...and ironically enough the one that caused a shift in thought was Rikki's. Guess you have to sort of look at yourself then you can make a change.
She spoke about how she always screws things up, and indeed, Rikki can be her own worse enemy...she tends to fuck things up for herself and others, but as a human being...aren't we given the choice and the chance to re-evaluate ourselves and try to work those petty imperfections out? Don't we have the freewill to stop our pity parties and try to change ourselves and our surroundings at least somewhat? I'd like one person in PHQ, or the world to tell me one doesn't have the choice to try and better themselves.
Though I understand her sadness because obviously I've felt it. *chuckles at the thought*...I've on many occasions felt inadequate...I've had the ones I love and cherrish also make me feel that way, I've also had the world get me down from time to time. But, the one thought that stayed in my mind was, "I'll make it through it all."
About...Feburary my life began to fall apart. My concentration was elsewhere, a situation, and not at my immediate surroundings. While I was thinking about what was important to me...my car became inoperative, my insurance ran out, my money ran short, and finally...my friends began to leave. They grew tired of my consistant belly aching and mindless ranting. But, I was fucking stubborn as all hell..as usual...couldn't just stop...and realize not only was I making the situation worse...but I was also pissing off many around me. Even people miles and miles away. Got to the point where my own best friend wouldn't return my calls, simply due to the fact he knew what it was about.
The beginning of june happened. My other best friend came back from basic training with the armed forces. He had become the epitomy of what the Army wanted. I was in admiration because he could almost take me on in a fight...(almost). But, I saw he had his life together...and that is all I ever wanted. He came home to friends, a job, and a girlfriend. He came home to alot of debt too, but lets face it, he had it covered.
My twentieth birthday had rolled around...a party ensued...and some drama did as well...but to make a long story short...I came out a little more mature...and a little more savvy than before. I was given the first of what would be the helpful beginnings of a new life for me. First, a new (sorta) car. (STILL IN THE SHOP DAMMIT!) Then my buddy Tim came along and inadvertantly introduced me to my present girlfriend, Leigh. Now...a couple of months later...I now have been given a new job, and a bonus.
The new job is sub-contracting for a few companies...I get paid $12 an hour...with a tip if I do well...nearly full time...and finally...because I'm "disabled" I get an extra $800 starting November 23rd...I dunno..its not like I can just refuse the money...I actually tried but the government insisted...so looks like I'm goin' back to college...apparently I get it paid off due to my 3.6 GPA...which apparently...got lost in transition...going back in forth between my HS...
Which means hopefully in a year I can start my funding for my community center idea...and really do what I enjoy the most...helping others achieve their goals.
I've been so...so soooooo self-centered...so selfish...so...filled with 'me' I couldn't see past my straight jacket. Too busy trying to prove myself...trying to look cool all these years...but one thing never changed in all those years...my desire to try to help others. Guess each year it just never happened...
But...there is always next year, right? (Native New Englanders like myself have been conditioned by the perpetually failing Boston Red Sox to repeat the mantra of "there's always next year," you see)
For now...I gotta drop the alias Legion, stop being this 'goth sadist'...I'm not a dark one by nature. I'll still be on PHQ...still be Legion here...but I gotta be more or less what I am..and who I was. A intelligent girl I know told me earlier around in Sept/August..."You gotta dress to what is comfortable." "You got to do what you expect of you." Something along those lines...But, without a job...and most of my friends telling me that I had to put on a show...I wasn't sticking to my nature. The young lady reminded me of a while back where I used to walk fearlessly without the worries of what others thought. I guess the strangest irony was who it had been...that inspired me (sorta).
Its been two days sorta putting on whatever I feel like and not going by the alias Legion...and I feel pretty good...some of my friends are weirded out...some are relieved. No one mentioned a thing till a few days ago. Greg, my good friend, took me down to the firing range (he's a quartermaster with the Army and has access to stuff which I'd drool over..and begged to take home) He began his speech on the M-16 and finally he broke in mid-sentance and said, "What happened? Last week you were running around in your straight jacket and scaring the hell out of Beth, today you hardly spoke a word, and your telling me to call you "Rick" again." I just shrugged my shoulders, squeezed a few rounds off...smiled, and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch.
Today, I played baseball...and fell asleep in the field. My friend Chris and I just played for 4 hours...then just decided to lay in the middle of centerfield...and took a nap..which lasted for an 1 hour and 1/2....
Who knew relaxing was so easy?
Damn...I wish I knew it was this easy years ago. Probably would of saved me alot of trouble...probably.
Sincerely,
Legion |
Koerschken
October 07th 2004, 16:41:00
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Wow, what a change of yourself.
Interesting, but not surprising, life is going up and down, up and...
I know this self-blocking behaving, too. You think you have to do something but you don't. And after years you notice you'd live a lot easier without it. And then you can start to focus something with that you evolve. |
TheAwake
October 09th 2004, 01:05:31
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Better late than too late  Good to see you decided to change. I think you tried to do things for other people, it just used to do the wrong things. An important rule is "You come first". If you helping others while ur own life is a mess, you wont make it long. Get a basis from which you can operate, then make the other people your priority. My mum once said hate causes cancer...also if it aint true, its a quite helpful theory, aint it? Get on it m8, have fun with the other grown ups |
LivingDeadGirl
October 09th 2004, 09:40:05
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| Don't forget forgiveness, Legion |
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Koerschken
TheAwake
LivingDeadGirl
