PHQ-Nickname:
DarkEnchantress
Halfquake:
BlackEmpress
Level:
1
Total kills:
54
Birthday:
00th 0000
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| Mood: | dead |
| Type: | Story |
| Added: | December 06th 2004, 09:38:51 |
| Visits: | 1336 |
| Series: | [ In The Depths of my mind ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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Description:
*Blah*
NOTE: PLEASE DON'T READ. CONTAINS ABSURD AND STUPID THINGS.
THE AUTHOR OF THIS STUPID THING DIED AFTER TYPING IT. (=.=)
AFTER YOU READ THIS, YOU'LL KNOW SHE DIED BECAUSE OF INSANITY. |
I WARNED YOU...
I'm stupid, well I don't know why, but I am.
I think of outrageous things that I know will never be true.
I sing on the mirror everytime I'm happy.
I listen to stupid love songs while staring at the ceiling as my ears get wet with tears.
I try to just laugh it all. I try to be happy, but I'm not. I know there is something missing,
I feel it's not meant to be. I try to keep quiet but everytime I do I feel like dying.
But when I spill it out it makes me regret it. I sometimes wish I was never born, in this
cruel world, I wished I just died so I never felt this sorrow. I smile to my friends and make
people laugh, but I never let them see me cry, mourning for my self's death. I'm afraid to
say that I'm happy, that's why everytime they ask me if I'm fine, I'll just reply I'm fine.
I write stupid things that just comes out from my head. Things that I know no one would understand. When they ask me what's wrong, I say nothing, coz I don't know what's happening. I'm lost in this world where no one lives and no one lived. I don't know anything,
i just know I don't know anything. Before I close my eyes to sleep and go to dreamland, I cry
my pain out quietly, without them knowing. I curse my self and wonder what purpose do
I have? Am I here to suffer? or to die? I keep on struggling and let them see me that
I'm independent, but I'm just a innocent girl, that doesn't know anything. I try to tell them they're wrong, because they make me believe of things I don't wanna believe. But I keep on
covering my ears. I can sense the cruelty of those people around me. I always had a
friend but now were apart. I wanna go back to see them, but the day I do I die, I'm doomed.
I know no one can appreciate, but I try to tell them I don't care, because i don't wanna shed tears for stupid people like them. I start to hate people but there's a voice inside me,
it tells me to never ever let go, It tells me not to hate people it tells me not to be evil,
I sometimes thank that voice that makes me sane, but i sometimes wanna kill it. Everytime I
do wrong I can't take it and I hate it. I know I made many mistakes and breathing is one.
I don't know if I should continue this stupidity or just let go.Before I took my life the day I tried,My voice told me life is valuable,but I ask it what the heck is that, it tells me to look in the mirror but I refused. It told me there are people who needs me,
and I told it who the heck are they. The voice told me to stop... stop and rest. I did. I thank that voice for always reminding me to be myself, it always stops the wicked voice that
almost destroyed me and other people. I'm weird- did I already said that? Everytime I take
a shower, I hear so many voices, I thought it was my mother calling me, but when I turned the water off and called it was no one.. one. I always hoped someone would find me here. I always
hope that some one would appreciate me not for my body, my looks, my self, my mind, my heart, but for the whole me. I always dream that someone was with me that I' m not
alone in my boat, we ride together and have fun. And then I wake up, it was a dream.
And the time I woke up, is the time I start to cry. I hoped always to live in my dream never
to wake up, never... ever. |
TheAwake
December 06th 2004, 11:59:42
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Its not wrong to not tell people how your true feelings are. I know it is very hard to say youre feeling miserable...But if there are two people searching for the reasons its more expectable that something is actually found. I dont know if its harder to tell strangers about it than the ones you know well, however it is not an easy thing to do in both cases. I think I sense a dislike of yours against self-pitying (the title) and I can say that I know what youre talking about. The help, true help can only come from people who know you very well or who want to know you really well. People often only just ask about your mood because theyre used to doing it, not because theyre expecting a reply that would lead to further talking. I never say something about my true feelings, because I can hardly handle them myself....and you seem to have the same problem. Actually Im pretty sure were not the only ones in here who have such issues, but well...I realised that receiving help is not a bad thing, wanting to get it isnt bad, either...but sometimes we cant admit our emotions because we want to hide them from ourselves.
I guess youre just alone.
Being isolated too much can lead to quite strange actions taken by your subconscious. I for example get dreams that are pretty weird, and its totally obvious that they are a message from my inside telling me not to continue this way. Your voices might be caused by this, too. A very important thing is not to think one is insane, because we're not insane, and we wont be. Therefore we wont be able to use it as an excuse later, and therefore we would be in really big troubles if we'd act as if everything wasnt our fault and as if we were not responsible for the things we do just because we think were not like everyone else. What can I say? I think I have a right to call me abnormal, I think I have a right to say I got issues, but I also know that there are always people having even worse problems and they keep on walking...and I also know that theres only myself to change the situation...theres only me to help me.
Its getting close to Xmas, suicide rates rise, but in my opinion this option is one of the most stupid things one can do. No one knows how life will look in 10 years, no one knows how his future will turn out, and taking away all of one's chances just because were not satisfied with the rest of the world is a shame. You can call it giving up, giving yourself up and everything you ever had...I think that after we die, theres not heaven nor hell, theres nothing. When youre dead, youre dead. Forever. Theres no chance of starting over, theres no reward for the ones threaten unfairly by life, no final judgement. When you die, you spirit, your mind will never exist again in any way.
I guess all of us here have faced hard times, and maybe even most of us still do. At least I do...but its not like the internet or any fucking pc could help us with it...I hope youre not making that mistake. PCs lead to this whole mess, they dont get you out of it. First get friends, then check the Inet, thats how to do it...You wont find people that will hold you in their arms in the net...well at least I wouldnt call it expectable.
Dont forget youre a normal human being. The conditions that influence your life are just very different from everyone else's. That does of course also influence yourself...in a bad way as I see.
I recently went to a party, although Im not a big fan of such...and a I met a guy there who was 85% like me...we had a lot of fun, and now I have someone I might call friend (I want to point out that Im not gay, hihi)...after we got to know each other better. It was a surprise and I wouldnt have expected it, but Id never have met him if Id have stayed at home. Its about getting to know people and thats the only way to find people you wont be afraid to share your true feelings with. I know its not easy, but you will get so much in return once you found somebody. And mind that one can only appreciate you as a whole if one knows you as a whole...so that always requires some initiative from your side.
And one more thing: Dont hate people...hate is wrong, hate is unhealthy and its not worth is. Analyze people. Thats what I do...if somebody "sucks" or is a mean person, dont try to see all the bad things in him and hate him for it, just try to see the bad things, and try not to be like him. Thats all the attention such a being deserves. Theyre just another rug in the ladder that brings us on the higher level  I often sit outside in the fields and think how nice it would be if someone...well...a girl would come by...and sit down and wed have a talk and get to know each other and so on...but it wont happen, it never will, because thats not how this world works. Fine. So guess we have the ones to be sitting down and starting a talk. There are a lot of good things out there, and although they require to be chased, catched and kept, its really worth the effort. Oh and it may of course take a while...just dont let hope go, there are 6 million people on this planet, and everyone is a new chance for a source of happyness. Dont stop searching before youre found.
I hope this helped a bit...Im always there for further talking, I dont have anything else to do...heh...guess I suck  |
hollow
December 07th 2004, 02:01:50
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| Let your friends know at least some of your pain. Then, you can tell who ' s your true friend and can trust with anything. They can make it bearable. |
DarkEnchantress
December 08th 2004, 10:13:27
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| I'm not isolated, I have friends. I just don't know what the heck Am I... |
DarkEnchantress
December 08th 2004, 10:16:01
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| Thank you 'TheAwake', that made me feel much better |
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TheAwake
hollow
