PHQ-Nickname:
Wolfsbane
Halfquake:
The Chamber
Level:
1
Total kills:
64
Birthday:
00th 0000
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| Mood: | sick |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | September 16th 2003, 21:12:38 |
| Visits: | 1232 |
| Series: | [ Amy's Journals... ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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Well, here it is. Finally, this is a small bio on Lucius. For those of you who know nothing of what I am talking about, Lucius is my anger. Lucius...lets see. Well, what about Lucius. What exactly can I write in here that will make sense. Yes, lets see. Lucius is my purest form of evil. Lucius is a neverending anger that will probably never die, though he is easy to cover up. Lucius loves attention, though not in a way that you might think. Lucius is my anger in its purest and most sadistic and evil form. He is very easy to provoke. He is not afraid of showing up...EVER.
Though I may refer to Lucius as a "he," we share the same mind and body. He is just a part of me. He is not a personality, but a MAJOR mood swing. I think Rick described it best, calling Lucius an alter ego. Well, I guess you could call him that. Lucius, being my anger, has been brewing for quite some time now. Must go back to when I was in 6th grade about 5 years ago.
Yeah. Well, he's quite the intelligent one, but doesn't like to show that to people. He has learned from my experiences. When he comes about, I will not remember a thing. I will not remember what was said or done. Even though we share this mind, he has a certain amount of control over it. He knows how to keep things out of my grasp. He has kept me from remembering all the painful memories I had from so long ago, but three years ago, he let them out. Maybe he did that for my own good. Bu then, to think of it, that would mean he is older than just 5 years old. He would have had to been born when I was about 5, making him now 11 years old. I would not doubt it. His age is a topic I wish to discuss with my beloved Rick.
But, Lucius has been a protector of mine for quite some time. He has been the little voice or thoughts in my head that helped me to get through things. Now, I must admit, ther are thoughts in my head that I cannot even explain. I know what it is I blame these thoughts on, but I really am not too sure. Well, Lucius is my way of dealing with things.
You see, my father always wanted a little boy, and he always made sure to stress this fact when I was little. So, I think thats why I always used to want to be a guy. You see, Lucius is a boy in mindset, not physically. I wanted to be a boy, and now that is Lucius. He is me in guy form. He is the side of me that accepted the perversion from all the kids in school and learned to deal with it and dish it all back out. Well, Lucius is why I could mix and mingle with the guys in my schools. He made things easy.
He protected me from my own self. He was the one that pulled me out of my major depression. I still have that depression even now, but it is weakened. I will not fail to admit that it is present. It will never go away, I am very aware of it. Lucius has helped me deal with not just depression, but also with break ups, ghosts, voices...etc.
It should be known that as much pain that he has caused, he is a savior to me. He made me aware that there really is no God. He has been my imagination for as long as I can remember. When I was ripping the heads off of my Barbie dolls, that was him. I will not even tell the other thoughts that he has fed to me with anything.
But so whoever reads this is not in the dark, I will say this much, he has given me my violence, and now I have it whether he is present or not. He has given me my lust for revenge. Though he has given me that lust, the other lusts I am aware of are of all my own doing.
Well, its hard to try to explain him to anyone. I'm sure that anyone that knows me at all has realized that I have been different in the past few weeks. I must apologize, but I must also explain that was mostly Lucius. I say mostly, because some of it was me, and I know this. Well, I will write more later when I have more time.
~Amy |
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