PHQ-Nickname:
Wolfsbane
Halfquake:
The Chamber
Level:
1
Total kills:
64
Birthday:
00th 0000
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| Mood: | depressive |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | September 23rd 2003, 01:22:49 |
| Visits: | 1350 |
| Series: | [ Amy's Journals... ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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This hurts so much. I just don't know whats wrong. I really don't. And I'm just not in the best mood. I'm afraid he'll leave me, I really am afraid of it. I can't lose him. I really can't lose him. It would kill me, and if it didn't, I would waste away. I'm really not doing good. I really freaked out yesterday, very badly. I was freaking and needed to talk to Rick, but I couldn't. So, for an hour and a half, I watched Law&Order and just sat around convincing my mom to let me go online. But I'm hurting now, I can't even stand myself right now, I can't even stand to be alive. I've got a lot on my mind. Some of it is questions, some is just thoughts.
~~She died in my arms, that hurts, I'm happy I was there for her, but...
~~How could he have thought that?
~~Why would he think I would leave?
~~Whats wrong with me?
~~How can I push him away this much when all I need to do is hold him close?
~~What will happen next?
~~Why am I so insensitive?
~~How can I keep him around?
God damn, I just need him to be here so I can talk to him or hug him or just be with him. All I want is his company. I have no one I can talk to here, and its driving me crazy. I have three months of emotions that I do not tell to anyone. Rick knows most of them, well, all of them, but I need to tell someone what I share with him. But no one cares, no one will listen. If I try to tell someone, they walk away or tell me to shut up, that I'm a freak and they don't care, or that its gross and I'm gross. But if I can just tell someone the emotions we have toward each other. But no one will listen. Its pointless, even life seems pointless. He is honestly my only reason for living. But when he said he wanted time apart yesterday, I truly lost it. I was just crying saying please, but he didn't hear me, or maybe he did. I do not know.
I lost it last night. I was crying, shaking, rocking back and forth, twitching. Hell, I was saying everything in a series of threes. Everything I did was in a series of threes. And now I'm doing it again. I really don't know whats wrong with me! I feel like I'm screaming inside, but I don't know why. I gotta go...gotta go...gotta go. |
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