PHQ-Nickname:
Legion
Halfquake:
The Asylum
Level:
10
Total kills:
60,346
Birthday:
June 22nd 1984
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| Mood: | philosophic |
| Type: | Diary entry |
| Added: | October 16th 2004, 11:34:30 |
| Visits: | 1262 |
| Series: | [ The life and times of Legion ] |
| Rating: | Not rated yet. |
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*sigh*
I feel guilty once again...for many reasons really...for starters...
I flirted with this girl for the entire night when I'm supposed to be happily taken...she kept going on about how she wanted sex from me at one point...inferencing how she'd be willing to go an extra mile to do all the kinky stuff with me...then finding out her friend had a crush on me too! Rachel, Heather, Jessy, Sara...the four girls that have been asking for me...but I can't give into! I kept pondering tonight...WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU ABOUT 4-5 MONTHS AGO! JESUS H CHRIST! But...I feel a bit sad that my hormones start to get the best of me and I have to sincerely push myself back from going too far...I should have more control...I do not think it is normal to just ponder the thought of having all of these potential flings...ironically I'm given permission to do whatever I want and my darling gf, Leigh, will stay faithful regardless but since that is unfair and I'm a one woman man...I keep myself reserved for her arms only.
Secondly guilty feeling stems from an old friend of mine who...I really don't talk with anymore...he's sort of sick and tired of some recent drama that has been going on in my life...He gave me an entire world and friendship at one point in time and after so long this is how I repay his kindness? He had told me there really wasn't much to talk about anymore anyway...sorta broke my heart cuz it felt like he was saying, "The extent of our friendship ends here..." But, I understand his reasons...a busy guy with a life. I meant to mention it in my last journal but Awake has been counciling me through alot of things and giving me some helpful hints along the way...heh...finally he is believing me on a few subjects and I'm finally accepting the fact that people are taking me serious for once...yet I wish I could do a better job...
And lastly...I got into a small quarrell today...unexpected...the one dating my sister whom I hate with a passion...he said some rather mean and unnerving things to both my gf and I...and instead of snapping and going into "Living Dead Girl;Rikki Psychopath" Mode...I just calmly said, "Dude, your a real tool, you know that?" And he pushed me. So, I backhanded him with each bit of my might. Without a second thought I had already grabbed a hold of his hair and escorted him off the premises of my property...even though his sheer size...I had over come him...he didn't do anything about it because for once he knew I wasn't going to sit back and take it...
Though I feel guilty because after 4 years of consistantly yelling hurtful things back and forth...him destroying my stuff...me continuously sabotaging his relationship with my sister...it came down to violence...petty violence. I apologized to him, believe it or not...even more amazingly he accepted it and we've moved on with our lives...
The answers to why life works the way it does gets swept away...like tears in the rain, without any notice or appreciation...without consideration or poetry.
Walt Whitman said once..."I love you without knowing how." And it is in each day I feel so much love and I do not know how to love even...but I do...and it is within this love that I feel so much guilt and sorrow for each act of aggression, for evey single silent transgression, that I've done to others...
But the big question is...how can you possibly love something when you hurt it? How can you possibly care about anything if you might end up harming it?
How can you give pain to someone or something you care for? Easy...with love and good intent.
However beautiful they may be...like anything massively powerful...something misguided in it at all, will inevitably cause pain.
For that, I am guilty.
Sincerely,
Legion |
smilejb
October 17th 2004, 10:21:08
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| wow, i feel ur pain for i am guilty of many things. i am just glad that u are one of the brave to admit ur sins. |
Legion
October 17th 2004, 10:43:20
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Only got one life to live...admitting your wrong is the first step to not being afraid of your past, but thank you  |
DarkEnchantress
October 22nd 2004, 03:01:04
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Kleenex please... hahaha joke. That's nice to admit your sins... I hope I could do that... but it's too late.
You're right legion... admitting your wrong is good........
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Legion
October 22nd 2004, 06:11:01
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Yeah...some people can...some people can't...some people are too proud and too filled with anger to even begin to admit they were wrong. But thank you.
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smilejb
DarkEnchantress
